How to resolve conflict in six easy steps.

When we interview candidates for an assignment, one of the most common reasons that they offer up for leaving their current employer is that they’re having “issues” with either their manager or with another member of staff. Too often these are unresolved until the moment when they hand their notice in, at which point the companies try and resolve them. Sometimes the candidates decide to stay, but more often or not they still choose to move on.

By and large it would make working life a great deal less stressful for all involved if these issues were addressed at a far earlier stage. My colleagues and I have whittled down a few key steps that may not resolve every conflict, but will certainly help to improve communications:

1. Drill down. When you get upset, you become flooded with emotions. Your mind can start to resemble a bee hive of activity -- racing thoughts and a lack of clear focus. This is when you should drill down and to really try to figure out what you are actually most upset about. You're probably upset over 20 different things, but your job is to keep drilling until you hit the core of what is most upsetting. Once you get past feeling angry and thinking that your boss is an idiot, you may find that there is something deeper that is really troubling you. The answer will have a marked effect on how you handle the situation.

2. Be positive. It's critical you do your best to determine the other person's positive intent. What's positive intent? Well, negative intent is when you attribute the other person's behaviour to them wanting to hurt you and do you harm. When you are in the middle of a heated argument, negative intent comes naturally. "Why is he doing this to hurt me?" is a perfect example of assigning negative intent -- the assumption that he is trying to hurt you. It's difficult to resolve a conflict if you think the other person is hell-bent on doing you harm. Instead, play detective and try to figure out their positive intent. What positive outcome were they trying to achieve? Once you do this, understanding and empathy can begin to flow.

3. Step into their shoes. This is easier said than done -- especially when emotions are running hot -- but if you really want to resolve the disagreement or conflict, this is essential. If you can, pretend you are the other person and answer these questions: What are your goals? What must I have been thinking and feeling in order to respond/react the way I did (remember to continue to assume positive intent!)? When you can step into the other person's shoes you can begin to see and understand their interpretation which can help you resolve the conflict.

4. Rub the "magic genie" lamp. Be clear on precisely what you need to have happen. Maybe at this point you realise it's not worth it to resolve the conflict, or alternatively, that what you really need is to rekindle the relationship. Whatever it is, figure it out. Stop focusing on what you didn't get and all the things that didn't work out and start focusing on what you need to have happen now. This isn’t what you "want" to have happen. You may want a heartfelt apology and a dozen roses, but what really is the minimum you need in order to have the conflict resolved? Your answer will be your guide going forward.

5. Create a game plan. Now that you've taken a step back and tried to figure out their perspective and what it is you want to accomplish, now's the time to determine the best course of action to get you what you need. Should you send an email? A phone call? Call in a mediator, for example HR? What can you do that will increase the chances you'll get your wish from step 4? Your game plan should focus exclusively on only those things you can control. Whilst your wish from step 4 may be that the other person apologises, this unrealistic because you can't control this. Instead, what can you control? Scheduling a meeting? Yes. Having a civil conversation about what happened? Of course. Taking responsibility for things you would have done differently? Absolutely. You are controlling what you have control over to create an environment where an apology is more likely versus sitting back and waiting for an apology.

6. Execute. Now that you know what you need and what you control, go get it done. Resolving conflict is not a simple task, but by keeping these guidelines in mind, it can be less painful and more effective.


As ever we’re keen to hear from you, let us know your thoughts, do you agree or do you have other key areas that you look at to resolve conflict within your business life: blog@chestertongray.com or tweet us at @chestertongray